My life as Luis

There is a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasnt because I thought I would be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love? And then you don’t have it. What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever . . 

When I look into your eyes

It’s like watching the night sky

Or a beautiful sunrise

There’s so much they hold

And just like them old stars

I see that you’ve come so far

To be right where you are

How old is your soul?

I won’t give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I’m giving you all my love

I’m still looking up

And when you’re needing your space

To do some navigating

I’ll be here patiently waiting

To see what you find

‘Cause even the stars they burn

Some even fall to the earth

We’ve got a lot to learn

God knows we’re worth it

No, I won’t give up

I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily

I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use

The tools and gifts 

We got a lot at stake

And in the end,

you’re still my friend

at least we did intend

For us to work

we didn’t break,

we didn’t burn

We had to learn how to bend

without the world caving in

I had to learn what I’ve got

and what I’m not

And who I am

I won’t give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I’m giving you all my

love I’m still looking up

Still looking up.

I won’t give up on us (no I’m not giving up)

God knows I’m tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)

We’ve got a lot to learn (we’re alive, we are loved)

God knows we’re worth it (and we’re worth it)

I won’t give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I’m giving you all my love

I’m still looking up

There are good days when it is best to be alone….the freedom to choose for oneself is fun! There are bad days when being alone is never good….the freedom has been stolen and there is no fun in sight. There are nights when going to bed alone is comfortable….reading with the light on hurts no-one else. There are nights when going to bed alone is torture….the duvet is messy, the bed is big and there is no-one there to huggle. There are days and weeks when being alone is never a problem….it is more of an adventure! There are days and weeks when being alone is one long heartache….the tunnel has no light in sight. There are moments when I enjoy my personal space. There are moments when I long to share everything and anything with another. Is there anybody out there? Or am I alone…….

I miss spending,

So much time with you,

And I don’t want to move on,

But I guess I have to I will always remember,

The things you’ve said to me,

But it hurts me more than you know,

That I was the price you paid to be free I just wanted to tell you,

That you’re always on my mind,

And that I know we’re seeing the same thing,

Just from two different sides I miss you…

More and more every day I wonder if I…

Will ever stop feeling this way In my mind…

With me you will remain,

Still I miss you more,

Every day I miss all the joy,

All the fun that we had,

Some things just happen,

And really,

that’s just too bad

And I will miss sharing,

My thoughts and dreams with you,

You were always so caring,

Your love,

it burned so true I just wanted to tell you,

Before I forget tonight,

That when my world was darkest,

You were my light

And I miss you…

More and more every day

I wonder if I…

Will ever stop feeling this way In my mind…

With me you will remain,

Still I miss you more,

Every day I miss your laughter,

And I miss your smile

I miss the way you’d talk to me,

Long into the night

I know you have to move on,

I know you have to go,

But there is a part of me,

That wants you to know…

That I miss you…

More and more every day I wonder if I…

Will ever stop feeling this way In my mind…

With me you will remain,

Still I miss you more,

More and more in every way,

I miss you more…

Every day…

this is something I wrote 5 years ago….

Friendship is a white room with two people.  
There is a separate room for each friend. The people have a set of colours each.
Friendship grows as the people use their colours to create beautiful pictures together.
Friendship ends when one, or both, stops caring about the detail of the pictures. When the pictures stop being drawn.

One day I was taken into a dark room. I dropped my colours and in the darkness I couldn’t find them again.

When I returned to the white room I could no longer communicate with my friend. 
He would sometimes pass me his own colours, but I was not accustomed to their shape and it pained me to use them. The pictures were not very good, and he stopped trying.

Eventually I cut off my own hands to make my own colours. The pictures I made were rushed, unclear and erratic. My friend was unsure how to react. He tried to draw pictures back but he was unsure of what I needed or what I wanted. 
Soon the blood stopped pouring from my arms. Now I couldn’t even hold my friends colours.

He faded away from my room. But I can see him in his other rooms. They are so colourful. My rooms are all white and empty.

Pretend you could take everything you don’t like about yourself, every experience that pains you and peel it away like dried paint. Now place it in a box, an old shoe box from a pair of shoes you wore once and will probably never wear again. Seal the box, with duct tape, super glue anything to keep it shut, anything that will lock it away. Wander into the woods, a field, a place no one goes and dig; dig till you disturb the worms and the bugs, dig till you see the water break through the mud. Now throw the box in, cover it up and walk away. Don’t look back.

…

Five years later you return, you’re older, wiser and yet you still have come back here. You dig, dig back into the earth you cast yourself away in so long ago. The box is there, it’s worn and wet, almost not a box but something living. Open it. 

You find yourself back at the beginning with the things you hated most. Yet, now you wonder why you did such a thing. Inside that box are not traits and memories that disgust you, but things you realize meant the most. You scoop them up and hold them close, knowing that they are you as well, that you are what you are today because they existed. And deep inside yourself you feel thankful for all the pain and sadness because you know the smile on your face today is real.

[Five years ago today, I experienced one of the worse stages of my life… I hit a state of depression that was probably the most hopeless time of my life. During this time, I felt cheated, disgusted, ashamed, terrified, angry, lost, hopeless, helpless…I lost myself because in that time I had molded myself to cater to the needs of those around me so I wouldn’t be judged. I sacrificed myself, my needs to make everyone else happy when I wasn’t.

Years later after coming back to myself I look back on those moments and feel in peace to have experienced them. Because I not only fought against them but managed to overcome all the fears and anxiety that they built although I am still a work in progress. So I’m thankful to them because I appreciate my life much more now.

Don’t worry I’m not depressed. I wrote this today while sitting and thinking, going over some of my writing from that time, and I wanted to share it with you. We all come from different places, backgrounds and age groups but we all come together as a community. I’m thankful for that and hope that if you feel like you hate parts of yourself or things you’ve gone through, you’ll take a little piece of this with you to remind you that you are wonderful, every part of you.]

-Luis